First Herceptin-only Treatment

I am back in the chemo room this morning, however this time it's only for Herceptin. They didn't even need to do a blood draw as it won't affect my bone marrow/blood count. As strange as it sounds, I like getting the results from my blood draws so that I know where I'm at each time. I have print outs of my stats for my file from each visit. They didn't even weigh me! (This is probably for the best as I'm not sure I want to know...)

I am SO glad to be done with the chemo. I feel that my current physical state is more affected by my mental state this time around. Mentally - I know that my body will continue to get stronger rather than be "cut off at the knees" again with another treatment. I didn't realize how that change would affect my outlook on getting healthier. Now I feel like every activity I do will build on the previous one rather than be wasted energy. My brain is weeks ahead of my body, but that's ok.

After my last treatment, I drove home to Minot to veg out at mom and dad's house. It was really nice to be home while I wasn't feeling well - mom and dad cooked for me, watched TV with me, and generally took care of me for the week. They were also sick, so I'm sure we were quite a crew. But we were all in the same place and that's what mattered. I had grand plans to visit people that I hadn't seen in awhile, but I was only able to see a few. I took advantage of being home, so I stayed there and slept.

Over the past three weeks, I've been hypersensitive to the fact that I'm cancer free. I am thrilled about it, but am struggling with feelings of guilt that I need to work though. As I talk to people about this, I know it sounds ridiculous to them as they see a person with no hair, uneven turbo boobs, and little energy. I, on the other hand, feel like I got off easy with only 5 months of inconvenience and a cancer free future. I still have the Herceptin treatments, 5 years of Tamoxifen, and a few more surgeries... but I'm totally fine with that.

It hits me in weird ways. For example, on my way to Minot, I stopped at the BK in Hillsboro. As I was waiting for my food, I saw a memorial on the wall. There was a photo of a woman who worked there and a framed, typed letter next to her. She had cancer, she was young, it surprised her, she went through treatment, and she died. I left Hillsboro in tears. How is it fair that she didn't make it and I did? I don't remember what type of cancer she had or what the circumstances were. I don't even remember her name. But I won't ever forget reading that letter and the feelings I had standing there.

During the week I was in Minot, I thought alot about being "cancer free." I thought about how that didn't make sense - how could I be cured that quickly? My last blog post was wrong - it doesn't make sense. I can't be that lucky, etc. By the time I was driving home, I was pretty sure I had it wrong somehow. I stopped in Grand Forks to see my friends and started bawling. They have worked in the medical field for a long time - I asked them to explain this all to me again, which they patiently did. Now I understand that I have a blank slate and that any cancer I get in the future will not be caused by my breast cancer.

Now I have no excuse not to get in shape and stay that way. During the past few months, I swore to myself in a million different ways that I would NEVER take my body and health for granted again. I have visions of being in shape, of building muscle, of flexing my bicep and actually seeing something move. I have visions of yoga and biking and hiking and standing fierce in the face of nature. Maybe I'll even start jogging! (Just kidding, that one will probably never happen :) I hope it sticks. I'm pretty lazy when it comes to getting in shape, so we'll see how I do with this. You can paint stripes on a horse, but that doesn't make it a zebra (or whatever that saying is).

Also, I noticed that ambition doesn't obscure the cupcake on the counter. This is unfortunate.

So far, kinda ok though. I do a bit of yoga daily, not even enough to break a sweat. I'm basically stretching and moving at this point. I have a long way to go, I think. My body is tired and sore. My muscles are kinda pissed at me and everything still aches from treatments and shots. BUT, if I keep doing a little bit at a time, hopefully it will pay off. They say it takes 28 days to create a habit, and I'm 7 days in... I expect to be back to normal in about two weeks.

Just kidding. I'm giving it a month.

Ok. Probably longer. I'm going to be patient with myself and with my body and appreciate my ability to move without tipping over exhausted. Now that I know my progress will build, I'm also pushing myself a bit. I have had good energy over the past week, so have tried to channel it into getting as much done as possible. On Wednesday, I crashed and stayed home, but that's been my MO as long as I can remember: do as much as possible when I can, then re-charge for a day. Right now, I just crash more often. I'm not sure how to conserve my energy - I'm not sure how to have energy and not do anything with it in the hope that I can save it for later. So, since this is, in my mind, a temporary situation, I guess I'll use that energy when I can get it!

I am not expecting to have any side effects from today's treatment, but the nurse mentioned I may have some. We'll see I guess.

The good news is that everything here is melting - the weather has been in the 40s and sunny, with rain all this week. I can see my grass again and I am itching to rake my yard and start digging in the dirt. Walking on a treadmill for 30 minutes is work, but digging in my yard for a few hours is fun. Yay spring! (For the record, I have nothing against winter and I like the snow. But I've associated this winter with being sick and I'm ready to be healthy again. Buh-bye snow.)

I hope everyone reading this is doing well and that the sun is shining in your neck of the woods.

Carrie